cogitationbox | (no subject)

[In the seconds that it takes for her to process the question she can only manage a strangled what? To say that she had never considered the possibility would be a lie; rather, since meeting Sayaka, she'd thought about it more than ever: What it would mean to go back, what the cost would be... Whether or not she could accept letting another person take her place. Again and again she's struggled with it, always coming to the same conclusion: No one ever would bear that burden. No one ever should.

But still, it didn't stop her from thinking about it. What would it be like to go to school? To have friends, to date and to move forward with time? It was during those times that she would curl up by Czes, knees held close to her chest, and ask him how he lived. How the people around him... How they could be happy like that. How they stayed human. No matter how much she, or anyone, wanted and wished, the possibility seemed too far away to reach, too perfect to exist.

But no matter how many times she wondered and asked, neither of them could find an answer.

Kyoko swallows in an effort to remove the lump caught in her throat. Her eyes glisten as she looks down at the fingers curled over her chest, the silver ring with a red gem in the center reminding her of what she was. Not human. Not able to stay. Her mouth opens, closes, but she can't bring herself to dismiss the question. The casual brush off doesn't come, the promise that she's better seems too ridiculous to mention, and her eyes stay low.]

I...

[She shakes her head. She doesn't know. It's a joke, it has to be a joke, but she doesn't want it to be, and as long as she doesn't answer the punchline won't come. But she knows. She knows the truth.]

... I don't think I even remember how what being human is like, y'know...

[It's not an answer. She knows it's not. But it's the only truth she can offer. That's enough, right?]

That's not an answer.

[He won't accept anything less than a real answer. He needs to hear it from her mouth. He needs to hear her say it. He needs her to tell him that she wants to be human again.

The fact that she didn't brush it off immediately was promising. It meant she'd given thought to it, probably too much thought. Enough for it to hurt. Enough for her to drop her guard and do away with her normal rough exterior. Enough for her to be so confused and unsure because what he was offering her was hope. Hope she never thought she could have.

He knew what that was like.]

I don't care if you can't remember what it was like. I want to know what you think about being able to live as one again.

[The sound of her heart beating against her chest is loud enough to drown out her thoughts. How can she possibly answer that question? It's not like before. It's not an easy choice. It's something that would cost her everything. It would take from her something that she could never get back, no matter how much she wished and hoped. And what she'd gain... What she'd gain might not be worth the price. It might have helped her back then. It might have saved her family, but now, what would it do?

But she thinks of all the years that she could have, the life that extends beyond fourteen, and how much longer she could stay alive. There might be a time limit, but every day wouldn't be greeted by the corruption of her soul and the understanding that her life could end at any moment and her nightmares might not be quite so full of the memories of those who would take advantage of the fact that it couldn't.

She swallows again, blinks back tears. If she says it now, she wonders if she'll be forgiven. If something like that were possible, would Czes forgive her? Would he stay with her? If that was the price, then it would be far too great to pay. It's not though, right? Even if it was... Even if it was, he wouldn't. He wouldn't. He's different.]

I--... I would want to go back... To being able to live like that...

[Her answer is too quiet, too timid to belong to her, full of broken hopes that she thought she'd rid herself of long ago. But here and now, her shoulders raise, her vision blurs, and she feels like she can almost remember what it was like. She'd had hopes like this then, too, hadn't she?]

[Law leans back in his chair, his arms dangling lazily over the sides. He's still watching, gauging her reaction.]

We've fought before so you've seen what I can do. I can displace anything in the rooms I create. That includes things that are usually intangible. Things like diseases and souls, for instance.

I can do this for you, but only if it's something you truly want.

[He's quiet for a moment and, for the first time since they've met, actually seems a bit unsure.]

When I was a kid... I was very sick. I wasn't supposed to live past 13. In actuality with the way the disease had been progressing I might have had even less time than that.

Then... [He takes a breath, his voice quiet.] Then I met someone. Someone very important to me and he gave me a chance. He gave me my life back. That person died to save my life and I'll never be able to repay him for what he did. The least I can do is pay it forward.

[The story he tells is painfully familiar. Kyoko wraps one arm around herself, fingernails biting into her forearm. There's no sympathy that she can offer that won't be an insult, no reassurance that won't be condescending, and she can only nod in understanding.

She raises her head. She hesitates, fear seizing the words before they can reach her mouth. It's almost comical, how embarrassed she is of her own ideals at a time like this, how afraid she is of letting herself rely on the thought of something better.

It can be better, right? It has to be. She repeats it to herself over and over, stretching out the silence until she can finally speak with confidence,]

Yeah. Me too... I had someone like that too. They did everything for me, but I was never able to do anything other than hurt them.

[A beat.]

If something like that's really possible... Then I wanna become a person who can help others like that.

[She wants to become something that was worth saving.]

Edited 2015-12-22 11:57 (UTC)

[Those were the words he wanted to hear.

It seems he was right about her. She was a lot like him in many ways, but where he fell this girl kept her humanity. Her kindness. She, despite everything, has kept her innocence. This girl has never wanted to see the world burn as he had.

This stupid, obnoxious girl -- rude and brash just like he was, just like he is -- had her life taken away from her. She was lied to and promised to have her wish granted and ever since she's lived as something most people wouldn't consider human, as something she didn't consider human.

He knows what that's like too. To be called a monster.]

Only if you're sure. That power you have is a lot to give up.

It's all that I have.

[It was compensation for losing everything, for living to die or to extend the universe's lifespan by turning into a witch. For a long time, she thought it was a fair trade. If she used it all up for herself and took and destroyed things as she pleased, then certainly with time she could make it an equal trade.

But the more she'd seen, the more she'd realized how large the gap was. The closer she got to others, the more she understood that it could never be enough. If it weren't for the few people that had brought light into her world, it would have brought her nothing at all.

But it's still not enough. She wants to be with those people for much, much longer. She wants to do so much more with them. She wants to be more.]

... I want something more.

[He has one more question for her, just one, and it's delivered with a curious smile.]

Are you ready?

Unless you have something else you need to do first, we can do this right here, right now.

[The rush of anxiety that follows his question leaves her frozen in place. It's a cold rush of reality, the realization that this isn't just a dream or what-ifs. He's really offering it. She can really go back... But maybe it's too late for that. She can't remember how to be a human. For all of her wants, she has no plans, no future. It's dangerous, reckless, and it could kill her just as fast as any witch.

She swallow down the hesitation, blinking to clear her vision. She takes a deep breath. She's never needed a plan. She's never needed this power. She nods, the shadow of a smile appearing on her face. The thought of teasing him about being so upfront comes to mind, but she can't quite manage it.]

... Yeah. I'm ready.

All right then. Let's begin, shall we?

[In one fluid motion he pushes himself up off the chair and stretches out his arm.]

Room.

[The Room spreads outwards, engulfing the two of them inside. He smiles in what he hopes is a reassuring manner, but really ends up looking smug more than anything.]

Relax. This won't hurt a bit.

Now, Shambles!

[And with that he thrusts his arm forward. She won't be able to see her soul leaving the ring on her finger, but she'll certainly feel it when it reenters her body. A pleasant warmth, a sense of familiarity, the feeling that after so long she's finally returned home.

Law waits a few moments before he says anything. Let's the Room disappear and just watches.]

... How do you feel?

Edited 2015-12-24 05:29 (UTC)

[No matter how much she braced herself, she could never quite call herself prepared. She can feel her heart racing, the denials and take backs on the tip of her tongue until the jewel on her ring dims. It's a pleasant feeling, warming and filling, the kind of pleasant state of comfort that one might fall into after having a good meal. She feels complete for the first time in years, soul weighed down by her body.

The sensation is strange enough that for a moment, she mistakes it for discomfort, like she was wearing clothes that were a couple sizes too tight. The feeling disappears quickly, replaced by the smell of baked goods (they hadn't smelled so sweet before,) the thumb of her heart and the dull ache of bruises (she never noticed them.) She stands up, looking herself over. She's exactly the same, but everything is different now.

How does she feel...? Kyoko blinks as tears form in her eyes. How does she feel? What has she been feeling all of this time? Sweets that tasted almost dull, cold and heat that melted together... She'd never even noticed before.]

It's warm.

[It's a quiet and timid answer with a smile to match. She looks him over before closing the distance. She hesitates for a moment before stretching her hand out. If he lets her, she'll take one of his hands--rough and warm and alive--in her own, tears dripping down her cheeks. She just wants to hold it. Just for a moment... Just so she can remember what it's like.]

...

Yeah. It really is warm.

[He let's her take his hand. Let's her hold it as tightly as she wants to and for as long as she wants to. He watches the spread of emotions on her face. He watches the tears well up in her eyes and trickle down her cheeks. He watches all of these things, feels her hand in his -- so small in comparison, her grip so timid and unsure -- and he can't help but feel something himself. It's not quite pride, but he's hard pressed to find another word for it.

He listens to the sound of her voice -- frail and grateful and happy and so many other things at once that despite how softly it's spoken is nearly overwhelming in its power -- and he realizes what it is.

Familiarity.

Is this what it was like for him? Is this what Cora-san felt when he was able to give Law his Devil Fruit? Is this what he felt in those last moments? The feeling that he had done something far greater, that perhaps he had been able to truly make a difference in the life of this one child? That he had finally, truly saved something so very precious?

If this was anything like what Cora-san had felt Law could finally understand why he would be willing to give his life for it. Even now 13 years later Law's never ending gratitude continues to grow.

Thank you for giving me this life, Cora-san. Thank you for giving me this chance.

He smiles a bit, swallows the lump growing in his throat.]

I'm sure it is.

Edited 2015-12-28 05:41 (UTC)

[She scrubs her face with the back of her sleeve, almost wanting to laugh. The part of her that was a Puella Magi still remembers how much better it is to play it cool, to hide and avoid any hurt, but humans don't have to worry. That's right, isn't it?

She wants to believe it is.

Kyoko guides the hand she's holding down to Law's side and, despite her resolve, there's a moment in which she seems uncertain of how to proceed.]

... I...

[There's a sniffle and a sharp breath as she tries to steady herself. She shakes her head, and in that moment she lets herself fall against him, arms wrapping around him. She buries her face against him, holding him so tight that she thinks she might break him (but she can't, not anymore.) Her fingers grab fistfuls of his shirt. It takes a bit for her to speak between the soft sobs. She doesn't want to let go. She doesn't want to forget this feeling. But she doesn't have to, but she can't risk it.

But eventually her grip tightens and she settles against him and the words finally come, still far too heavy for the soft and fractured voice that carries them,]

Thank you so much, Law.

[It's the first time that she's thanked anyone other than Czes in so long. It's the first time that it's felt right to use his (anyone's) name like this, that she might be worthy of it. And she thinks, that even if not even God could forgive her, even if she destroyed every chance of knowing the truth... Kyoko thinks that with this, her father might be able to see her as a person now. As Kyoko.

Maybe now, maybe one day she can finally bring herself to face him again.]

Edited 2015-12-28 06:23 (UTC)

[This must have been what it was like.

He stands rooted to the spot holding Kyoko as she uses him to try to hold herself together. Her fingers clutch desperately, her tears soak his shirt, her sobs and ragged breaths tear through his body and eventually she just leans against him and...

And she says his name.

This girl who's never referred to him as anything other than a rudely shouted "hey, you!" and teasing nicknames. This girl who, as far as he's seen, never really uses names for anyone other than her little brother. She called him by his name. She called him Law.

"Call me that again!"

He wants to hear her say it again.

"Just one more time!"

He doesn't need a thank you. He doesn't need anything. He just wants to hear her say his name like that again.

This is what you felt too, isn't it Cora-san? This is all the thanks I need.]

You're welcome, Kyoko.

Edited 2015-12-28 23:19 (UTC)

[There's no words, but Law will certainly feel it as she shifts and the subtle nod that accompanies the sound of her name. That's right. She wants to be just Kyoko to him, too.

No... She has for a long time, hasn't she? She just didn't want to admit to it before.

The tears slow with time. Her breath starts to steady, and finally she can bring herself to raise her head to look at him again, wearing a fragile smile on her face. Her eyes are red and puffy. She's sure that she looks a mess.

It's fine.]

Law... There's something I wanted to ask you.

[There's a beat, then, as though worried that he might refuse--]

It... It's something that I can't ask anyone else to do...

[Kyoko says his name again and his heart swells.

He should have said it more. Repeated the name Cora-san over and over until his throat was dry and his tongue refused to form the words. He doubts it would have been enough.

She does look like a mess.

So it's with a small, knowing smirk that he wipes at the tears on her face with the pad of his thumb. Just teasing enough without distracting from her question.]

Sure. Whatever you need.

[She closes one eye. For a moment, it looks like she wants to scold him, but her smile widens instead. This is something she can trust him with.]

I want to visit my father.

[If she hasn't told him the details, Law already knows about the messy ending that her family had, and the guilt that it had left her with. She hasn't once had the courage to so much as get near the graves that were left behind. He wouldn't want her to.]

I always wanted to, but somehow, I thought that he'd just be disappointed to see his daughter in such a sorry state.

[She chuckles, and her gaze drops for a moment. He would be. She knows.]

But I want him to know that I'm okay now... That things are going to be okay.

[She draws her arms back, wringing her hands in front of her before reaching to take his hand once more. It's only then that she can look back up to him.]

And I... I want him to know that I have people who care about me.

[Law doesn't know the details, he never asked. He had no right to ask her anything quite so personal and honestly it didn't matter. He knew it was messy. He knew it hurt her. He knew it left her with a hole in her heart and a heavy guilt that never left her. It was all he needed to know. The only person who could decide if he needed to know the rest, if he deserved to know the rest, was Kyoko.

Once more he lets her take his hand. Squeezes it gently as he nods.

It's a sentiment he understands well. It's something he wishes he could do, too.

And he can't help but feel honored that out of all of the people she could ask she's standing here and asking him. Someone who was an annoying stranger not too long ago in the grand scheme of things.]

I'll go with you, if that's what you want.

[Kyoko nods. There's a lot of people she could ask, but none of them feel quite right. Czes would do it for her if she asked, but she has no doubts about how much it would hurt him, and the others couldn't possibly understand this feeling. When she looks at him, she thinks that Law might feel it to, though. That pain that never goes away, the love that a person could carry to their graves.]

I think he'd be happy to meet you.

[Her expression goes soft, affectionate in a way that that's rarely seen.]

He was a pastor,y 'know... My father. That man was far too kind for his own good, and all he wanted to do was save others...

[She nods once, reaffirming it, and squeezes Law's hand in return.]

... It'd definitely make him happy.

[He does understand. He understands more than she knows.

Law doesn't say anything to that. He doesn't feel like he needs to. He simply nods, lifting his free hand to ruffle lightly at her hair.]

Why don't you go get yourself cleaned up, Kyoko. Before we go I want to take you to the office and give you a quick checkup.

[Her cheeks tinge pink, but the feeling of his hand on her head isn't a bad one. For a moment, she wonders if maybe this is what having an older brother might have been like.

That means she has to tease him at least a little, right?]

... Mm. Just this once though, okay?

[He chuckles, giving her a light, playful shove.]

Just go already.